Sound of Pulling Heaven Down

I must preface this by saying that I am ABSOLUTELY, thankfully, blessed by my fiancé. He shows me Jesus, a balance, a stability, a source of love, a source of painful encouragement daily.

I have expectations, or had, that I placed on Joshua, my family, my volunteers, et cetera. And from these the only thing that has come from this is hurt, that I caused due to not understanding the definition of humanness. And thinking that if by setting high expectations that I would actually achieve them, but that mindset, that perspective has set myself up for failure. For every instance that I encountered a problem I saw it as something far more than it was, turning normalcy into imperfect (the lowest of lows), the great failure. Which I sadly have encountered daily. And placed a burden on myself and those around me.

I am now trying to live, just live, that's it. And the only thing I am holding accountable, is myself. For I cannot expect anyone to do any better than what they do. I can't, it'll ruin me. I must trust those who I believe to have set standards for themselves, but know that Jesus died on the cross, to provide forgiveness for a reason, PEOPLE FAIL. And I can't let truth hinder my person, my relationships. For that is the thing which makes life beautiful, the imperfections, the things we don't expect. Life, the beauty of it, I have missed, for I have been dwelling in a constant sense of detriment, failure.

Thank you Lord, for giving me a man who is founded on truth and doesn't for an instance turn from it. Thank you for allowing love to be such a powerful thing in our relationship. Thank you for his parents, who taught him to be the best version of himself as possible, and that he, Josh, would have the heart to hold these lessons as truth in his own life and practice them.

I praise you, my Jesus, for your grace.

Mary

Concierto de Aranjuez

What a beautiful existence one could live if only but to choose to love it and embrace life daily... The beauty and complexity of this life is beyond comprehension but more than worth the while to embark on discovering if but a tiny morsel of it... My passion is to but discover some of the beauties right in front of me, not to mention those beyond my reach, at least for now... I want to travel and experience the various cultures... I want to learn the languages of this world if but to understand more of the vastness of my God... I want to love without holding back... I want to escape in music... I want to be free through dance... I want to embrace beauty... I want to discover who I am fully if not to then understand the ways of others...

What People Are Made Of

Storm:a violent disturbance of the atmosphere/my existence with strong winds/mixes of emotion and usually rain/melancholy, thunder/anger, lightning/impulse, or snow/shaky mood.

My life is symbolic of Texas' weather pattern... One day it's sunny and lovely and just plain joyful... And then come the storms, rather often... Unexpected, random, and on most occasions not at the greatest time...

I know that I am human, which means I am inconsistent, unexpected, moody, and the list goes on... But I want to be more logical... That way when the storm comes, I know how to deal with... The only thing is, I don't think it's possible to know in the moment of the storm when anxiety and chaos surround you how to deal with it... So I am left with a melancholic, displeasurable, impulsive, and rather inconsistent mood...

TAKE IT AWAY!!! Please...

I love my Jesus... And I want nothing more than to be the child that he wants me to be... That can consider things and depict the truth from the situation and react in such a manner that is pleasing...

Fall On My Knees

I could sit here and list off all the things that at the end I would resolve to say that they can all be overcome with/by recognizing the power of Christ and choosing to let in penetrate one's life.

Father, help me to desire to fall on my knees and embrace you to in-turn accept myself and serve others for your name's sake, please... Test me, but help me to gain self-control and overcome the test...

"You're all I want. You're all I need. You're everything. You're everything..." That is where I so desire to be, I ache to be at this point. I want my heart to speak this so loudly that even the deaf could not defy the sound...

My Confession

My struggles:

Carnal desires...
Judgement...
Lack of Self-Control...

I don't feel like expanding... I think each one speaks for itself.

However, my prayer is that the Lord would captivate my soul and prove his strength in my weakness for I CANNOT conquer these things on my own.. Father, I need you to move in such a way that I honor you, for I cannot come to terms with my human self to give you the glory and honor that you so deserve... I am stuck and you are the only way out... Love, move in me, captivate and summon my heart...

For The Morning

I am consumed with self. This is most likely due to the fact that I am a selfish being and haven't been in my word as much as I should be or more so need to be. Jealousy, I believe to be a root of selfishness... And for this I want to apologize for my moodiness because my reaction is solely based on me not on anyone else... Anyway... Father, I come before you and ask/beg that you move in me, change my heart, and turn my eyes to you... For what good does selfishness and the things that root from that do?

Don't Know Why

My explaination for the title of this blog: All I Can See... My perceptions are faulty and the lessons I learn are biased, the choices I make are biased... So "all I can see" is a statement of my humanness and that whatever I may be blogging about is from that basis that my perceptions are in-fact faulty, the lessons I learn are biased, and the choices I make are out of impartiality...